Friday, October 21, 2011
Where to start?
It's been a long time since I last wrote in my blog. I've thought about posting numerous times these past two years, but this morning it just seemed right. Perhaps because I've been journaling a little as way of working things out.
I have been up and down so much since starting, and finishing, grad school. When reverse culture shock set in around January of 2010, I kept on trucking and didn't stop to think about me and what might be wrong. Instead, I ignored it as much as possible and stayed busy. I don't particularly feel like the color orange anymore. Maybe purple, but often gray. I turn 32 next week and feel I have not accomplished anything I really want to do, and they are things I feel guilty about wanting, like marrying someone special and having a family. Seriously, I've always felt weird that my career was not more important to me. It should be, right? But I want a family first and the career is to pay bills :) That being said, I gravitate toward jobs with heavy public interface and where, like in development, you feel you are making a difference to other peoples' lives.
I'm going to put it out there that I have a master's degree, have a good job, pay rent, stay fit, go to church, have friends, and go to counseling. I hit one of many possible bottoms several weeks ago and decided to finally address things. And I'm in it for the long haul. I think of myself as 'high-functioning' in terms of depression--I'm doing better than many. But depression is still serious and I have to face it head-on for as long as it takes. I know this may be something I have to cope with for the rest of my life, but I need to find better ways of handling it.
As I reflect on my twenties in Chicago, I feel that maybe I did as well mentally as I did due to my obsession with running. Especially the last two to three years there, I ran five to six morning a week. My schedule was built around it. It the weather was so bad I couldn't be outside, I did bellydance in my apartment. I walk a lot here, but have been nowhere near as consistent with workouts. I'm happy to say this is the second morning in a row I got up at 6 to run before work. :) I'm going to try to keep it up. I run my first 5k Oct. 30 and know I can do it, but suspect my time will be bad! ;)
I think this is a good beginning, don't you?
I have been up and down so much since starting, and finishing, grad school. When reverse culture shock set in around January of 2010, I kept on trucking and didn't stop to think about me and what might be wrong. Instead, I ignored it as much as possible and stayed busy. I don't particularly feel like the color orange anymore. Maybe purple, but often gray. I turn 32 next week and feel I have not accomplished anything I really want to do, and they are things I feel guilty about wanting, like marrying someone special and having a family. Seriously, I've always felt weird that my career was not more important to me. It should be, right? But I want a family first and the career is to pay bills :) That being said, I gravitate toward jobs with heavy public interface and where, like in development, you feel you are making a difference to other peoples' lives.
I'm going to put it out there that I have a master's degree, have a good job, pay rent, stay fit, go to church, have friends, and go to counseling. I hit one of many possible bottoms several weeks ago and decided to finally address things. And I'm in it for the long haul. I think of myself as 'high-functioning' in terms of depression--I'm doing better than many. But depression is still serious and I have to face it head-on for as long as it takes. I know this may be something I have to cope with for the rest of my life, but I need to find better ways of handling it.
As I reflect on my twenties in Chicago, I feel that maybe I did as well mentally as I did due to my obsession with running. Especially the last two to three years there, I ran five to six morning a week. My schedule was built around it. It the weather was so bad I couldn't be outside, I did bellydance in my apartment. I walk a lot here, but have been nowhere near as consistent with workouts. I'm happy to say this is the second morning in a row I got up at 6 to run before work. :) I'm going to try to keep it up. I run my first 5k Oct. 30 and know I can do it, but suspect my time will be bad! ;)
I think this is a good beginning, don't you?
